Dr Krieger's Amazing Feel Good Frozen Die Eiscreme
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger and Pam start a side business.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has just gone off to get ice cream. This is something that ran through my tiny mind, inspired by one of Pam's Facebook posts.**

 **Dr. Krieger's Amazing Feel Good Frozen Die Eiscreme**

"Great," Cyril groaned as he entered the bullpen. "Once again Ms. Archer is taking a personal day!"

"And that's a bad thing **why**?" Archer quipped. He was reading a magazine on the couch.

"I'm with Archer," Ray said as he was reading another magazine at a chair. "Any day Ms. Archer doesn't show up can't be all bad."

"It is if she's spending this agency's money!" Cyril snapped.

"Relax Mr. Mooney," Lana walked in. "Today she's spending Ron's money. They're at couple's counseling."

"Seriously?" Archer scoffed. "Didn't that fail at least twice before?"

"And both times ended in an assault charge?" Ray asked.

"Yes but when your mother came home with her arm in a cast and all battered and bruised about a week ago Ron put his foot down," Lana said. "He was actually worried about her and she agreed."

"I don't know why he was worried," Archer grumbled. "If there's one thing my mother excels at is taking care of herself. I speak from an entire childhood of experience."

"Well it's not like there's that much to do around here," Ray shrugged. "Cheryl's having another one of her glue and gummy blackouts. And I haven't seen Pam anywhere."

"Yeah where is she?" Lana asked.

"Oh right," Archer snapped his fingers. "I forgot. Pam said that she found a way to bring some extra cash into the agency with a little side business."

"What kind of side business?" Cyril asked.

Cut to the streets of LA…

"Ice cream!" Pam called out from Krieger's ice cream van. The van was playing heavy metal music. "Get your bitchin' ice cream!"

Cut back to the Figgis Agency

"Ice cream?" Lana was stunned. "Pam is selling ice cream for extra cash?"

"Well it is a good idea," Archer said. "LA is hot. And when it's hot people eat more ice cream. It's a proven fact."

"So is getting a citation for selling without a permit!" Cyril snapped.

"Oh," Archer said. "Well I'm pretty sure Pam doesn't have one of those."

"And more importantly where would she get ice…?" Ray began. "Hold on, where's Krieger?"

"Oh dear God No!" Cyril groaned. "NO!"

Cut back to the streets of LA…

"Freshest ice cream this side of Berlin!" Krieger called out as he drove the van. On the side of the van it said in big letters DR. KRIEGER'S AMAZING FEEL GOOD FROZEN DIE EISCREME.

Cut back to the Figgis Agency…

"This could be problematic," Archer blinked.

"YOU THINK?" Lana shouted at him. "Great we're going to be busted for drugs! For real this time!"

"We have to stop them!" Cyril said. "Now!"

"Well at least we'll have something productive to do today," Archer remarked as they got up to go find Pam and Krieger.

Somewhere on the better streets of LA…

"Come eat ice cream!" Mitsuko flew overhead of a group of people standing around the van. "Yummy! Yummy ice cream!"

"Why did you have to bring my girlfriend here?" Krieger groaned. "This is when I take a break from her!"

"Hey she's bringing in the crowds," Pam said. "Don't knock it."

"Hey!" A twelve-year-old boy shouted. "Why is your ice cream labeled sixty bucks or over? That's too expensive!"

"Hey read the legal disclaimer on the truck kid!" Pam shouted. "This ice cream is for people eighteen or over! Or at least if you can produce a fake ID saying that you're eighteen or over."

"Why would I need an ID saying…?" The boy began.

"Out of the way kid," A man in a grey suit and sunglasses shoved him aside. "Hey I'd like a Zoomin' Zantax Ripple with some Prozac sprinkles! And don't go easy on the sprinkles!"

"Coming right up!" Pam gave him a cone. "That will be a hundred and seventy-five dollars please."

"Eh, still cheaper than my therapist," The man in the grey suit paid her and took the cone.

"Next!" Pam called out.

"Yeah I'd like one Clockwork Orange Dreamsicle," The man who looked and sounded like Ari Gold spoke up. "One Purpleberry Prozac and what the hell? I'm gonna treat myself today. I'd like a Mind Bomb Mocha Madness."

"That will be three hundred and thirty five dollars," Pam said as she got the ice cream. "Are you getting all these for your friends?"

"This is my lunch," The man said. "I'm an executive at NBC. We're trying to come up with our new comedy schedule for the fall. And the middle of fall when those shows fall through. And the middle of the middle of the fall when those shows fall through. By the end of today."

"Say no more," Pam said as she got the ice cream for him.

Krieger got him something. "Hold on. I'll give you a Screaming Molly on the house. Take it before the Purpleberry Prozac but after the Mind Bomb Mocha Madness. And I would eat the Dreamsicle first if I were you."

"Thanks Man," The executive took the ice cream. "It's good to see some businesses value paying customers!" He took his ice cream and went off.

"Next!" Pam called out.

"Hi," A female executive walked up. "I'm from the Lifetime network and I'm running out of real life tragedies to exploit. What have you got?"

"I've got this," Krieger took out a pop. "Take an Oh My Oxycotin and watch the evening news. Something's bound to come up."

"Thanks. How much?" The female executive asked.

"Sixty-five," Pam said.

"Still cheaper than hiring writers," The female executive paid and got her pop.

"Next!" Pam called out.

"Oh god! Oh god! Oh God!" A harried executive walked up. "I think my show is going to get cancelled. I might lose my job and my wife may find out about my affair!"

"Here's a couple Vanilla Valiums," Krieger handed them out. "That will be two hundred dollars please."

"Still cheaper than my therapist," The man said as he paid. "And my girlfriend…"

"NEXT!" Pam called out.

"A Vanilla Valium," A female executive called out. "I have a meeting today with my ex-husband! And his bimbo fiancé who used to be my kids' babysitter."

"One hundred bucks," Pam said as the exchange was made. "NEXT!"

"Cheaper than the damn babysitter," The female executive grumbled as she took the pop.

"Told you the Vanilla Valiums would be a big hit," Pam said to Krieger.

"Remind me to double the batch next time," Krieger nodded. "You sir! How may I help you today?"

"Hi," A Yuppie man walked up with his girlfriend. "We're going to the New Age Raising Consciousness concert in the park. What do you recommend?"

"A good book and a serious re-evaluation of your life," Pam quipped.

"Do yourselves a favor," Krieger walked over with some pops. "Turn on a Rush CD and then eat these."

"Uh where do we get Rush?" The woman asked.

"Do you have Me Tube on your smart phones?" Pam asked.

"Yes," The man said.

"Type in Rush 2112 and go from there," Krieger said. "That will be a hundred and twenty dollars please."

"Huh still cheaper than what we got for the tickets for the concert," The woman said.

"How much did you pay for them?" Krieger asked.

"We didn't," The man said. "They paid us."

"Skip the concert and just watch Rush on your smartphones," Krieger rolled his eyes as they paid him. "Trust me…"

"Next!" Pam spoke up.

A well-dressed man walked up to the van. "Yeah I don't know what I really want. See I'm pitching a show to FX…"

"Let me stop you right there," Krieger told him. "Does your show have sex and drugs in it?"

"Oh yes," The man said. "And some nudity."

"And does it have swearing?" Krieger asked.

"I can always write more in," The well-dressed man shrugged.

"Is it edgy and weird?" Krieger asked.

"It's about a transsexual rock and roll band whose lead singer accidentally gets elected to Congress," The well-dressed man said.

"You'll be fine," Krieger said. "Politics is huge this year. But just to be safe here's a shot of Krieger Krunch. It'll promote a heightened sense of confidence."

"How much?"

"Seventy-five bucks."

"Sold!" The well-dressed man called out.

"NEXT!" Pam shouted.

"Hi…" A frazzled looking older man was up next. "What do you have when all your hopes and dreams have faded? And all you're left with is a nagging sense that you've wasted most of your life?"

"Midlife crisis ahoy," Pam quipped.

"You might want to try a Happy Hempleton," Krieger suggested. "It uh has certain ingredients that are legal if you have a prescription."

"I don't have one…" The man said.

"No problem," Krieger said. "I'm a doctor! I can write you a prescription!"

"Thanks man!" The man said.

"God I love California!" Krieger said as he wrote something on a pad.

"You know you're technically not a doctor right?" Mitsuko said.

"Shhh! Not so loud!" Krieger shushed her.

"I don't want to get in trouble with the American Medical Association," Mitsuko told him. "Again!"

"You want a virus in your system?" Krieger snapped. "I'll do it! I swear I will!"

"Ya, yah," Mitsuko rolled her eyes. "You been saying that for over a year now! Good luck with that!"

"Yo! I got glaucoma!" Someone else shouted. "I want some of that too!"

"You want ice cream flavored like pot?" Someone else asked.

"It doesn't. It has mint flavor," Krieger said. "It tastes just like mint chocolate chip. With brownies pieces in it."

"Basically you get your munchie fix at the same time," Pam explained.

"I'll take one too!" Someone else said.

"Way to uphold Hippocratic oath," Mitsuko grumbled.

"I swear one day Mitsuko…" Krieger snapped. "Pow! Right to Silicon Valley!"

"Afternoon everybody!" A familiar voice called out.

"CHARLIE!" Everyone shouted.

"How's life treating you Mr. S?" Pam asked.

"Like a Vegas hooker treats my credit card," The familiar star called out. "My usual please!"

"One Rum and Coke Ripple coming up," Pam said.

"Wait that's not made with actual cocaine is it?" Krieger did a double take. "Or is it made with soda?"

"Yes?" Pam said hopefully.

Meanwhile Cyril drove his car through the streets of LA with Ray in front and Archer and Lana in the back. "How can we not find them?" Lana asked. "I thought Krieger's van has a GPS locator tagged on it?"

"He does," Cyril sighed.

"So why don't we use that to locate them?" Lana asked.

"Because the locator is also in the van!" Cyril snapped.

"Some detectives we are," Ray groaned.

"Just shut up and keep your eyes peeled for those idiots," Cyril grumbled.

"Guys you're worried over nothing," Archer snorted. "We all know Pam will probably eat all the damn ice cream before anything gets sold."

"I'm not willing to take that chance Archer!" Lana barked. "I'm not going back to the joint!"

"You were only in there for less than three days!" Archer shouted.

"Three very long days!" Lana barked. "With a strip search and a cavity search!"

"Lana you basically got strip searched and cavity searched almost every time our old spy agency had a Christmas party," Archer snorted. "Only that time you were sober…Oh. I see your point."

"Just keep looking!" Cyril snapped.

"Who put **you** in charge?" Archer asked.

"I **did** Archer!" Cyril snapped. "When I was the **only one** here to get an **actual detective's** license! Which I don't want to lose! Because if I did due to the fact that my employees were selling illegal drug laced ice cream…I'd lose the agency and you would all lose your jobs! Which means we'd be right back to where we started from in the god damned desert!"

"Well not literally," Archer said.

"Figuratively!" Cyril snapped. "Before you dick around anymore Archer that would mean that you would no longer be a detective. And since you are also no longer a spy, or a pirate or an astronaut and certainly not a drug dealer…The job market wouldn't exactly be open to you if you get my drift!"

"I was also a burger flipper and a bartender," Archer spoke up.

"Oh so you **do** have job skills to fall back on," Ray said sarcastically.

"No thank you," Archer frowned. "I've kind of already done that."

"Then if you don't want to do it **again** ," Cyril gritted his teeth. "Help me find Pam and Krieger!"

"They're over there," Archer pointed.

"Archer this is no time for…" Cyril did a double take. "Son of a bitch! They **are** over there!"

"I am really good at this detective thing," Archer grinned as Cyril parked the car.

"They're in a brightly colored van playing heavy metal music with a hologram anime character flying around!" Ray barked. "Not exactly that hard to miss!"

"Along with a crowd of people," Lana said. "Is that Charlie Sheen?"

"Oh God do I hate my life…" Cyril moaned.

"Not like you're the only one," Archer remarked. "I wonder if Krieger has any more Clockwork Orange Dreamsicles?"

Everyone in the car looked at him. "What?" Archer asked.

About an hour later back at the Figgis Agency…

"What?" Pam snapped. "Seriously? What are you mad about?"

"Uh this little thing called illegally selling drugs?" Cyril snapped. "While using an agency vehicle!" They were all in Cyril's office.

"Oh that," Krieger waved. "No big deal."

"It's not like we sold it to kids," Pam said. "We sold most of our stock to hyped up executives."

"Nevertheless…" Cyril let out a breath. "You should have run this idea by me before you did it!"

"We did," Pam said.

"We ran by your office so you wouldn't see us," Krieger said cheerfully. "And then we did it."

"That's **not** what I…AGGGGHHH!" Cyril fumed.

"And to think," Archer laughed. "I thought today would be boring."

"Me too," Ray agreed.

"First of all I think we are all in agreement that we never, **ever** tell Ms. Archer about this!" Cyril snapped.

"Well that depends," Archer grinned.

"On what?" Cyril snapped.

"On my…" Pam began.

"PAM NO!" Archer snapped. "Ray…"

Ray took a newspaper and hit Pam on the head. "Bad Pam! Bad Pam!"

"Ow! Jesus! Okay!" Pam grumbled.

"As I was saying before Basket Case Robbins interrupted me," Archer pointed to Pam. "I think I deserve some hours for my detective's license. Because technically I was doing detective work."

"Fine! One hour!" Cyril snapped.

"Why does he get an hour and we don't?" Lana barked. "We were looking too!"

"Yeah!" Ray said.

"Fine! All **three** of you get an hour!" Cyril shouted. "And that's it!"

"Well…" Archer chuckled.

"Archer…" Lana stopped him. "I think an hour for all three of us is more than generous. Considering the circumstances. Besides if we log in too many hours Mallory will ask why and…"

"I get it," Archer waved. "And for the record I wasn't going to tell Mother anyway."

"You just wanted to screw with me!" Cyril snapped.

"Which I did," Archer grinned. "And so did Lana and Ray."

"Phrasing!" Ray grinned.

"On my…" Pam began.

"PAM!" Cyril and Archer shouted angrily. Everyone looked at Archer.

"What?" Archer asked. "I prefer phrasing."

"Can we get back to the Doobie Doofuses here?" Cyril pointed to Krieger and Pam.

"More like Street Hood Ice Cream," Ray said. "Wait a minute…I think I can come up with a Ben and Jerry's joke."

"Does it involve the last time you had a date?" Archer quipped.

"I'll have you know my private life is fine, thank you very much," Ray huffed.

"And I'll thank you two to shut up and let me deal with these idiots!" Cyril snapped.

"Hey do we get hours too?" Pam asked.

"What do you think?" Cyril snapped.

"Yes?" Krieger asked. Cyril glared at him. "I'm sensing it's not a yes is it?"

"You sense correctly," Cyril said. "And again, never, ever, ever do this again! GOT IT?"

"Guys come on!" Pam protested. "We made fif…Uh thirty grand for the agency!"

"Or more?" Ray raised an eyebrow.

"We deserve a cut!" Pam said.

"Yeah!" Krieger agreed.

"You deserve **something** all right," Cyril groaned. "No more illegal ice cream sales! Got it?"

"You realize how lucky you are that you weren't arrested?" Cyril shouted.

"Yeah let's call it luck," Pam shrugged.

"What do you mean?" Cyril asked.

"It never hurts to give out free samples," Krieger spoke up.

"Oh dear God you didn't…" Cyril moaned.

Back in an unmarked police car…

"I know we were supposed to do something today," Detective Harris blinked as he licked a Clockwork Orange Dreamsicle. "Were we supposed to do something today?"

"I feel like doing good today!" Detective Dietrich smiled broadly. "Do you feel like doing good today?"

"I actually feel pretty good today," Detective Harris said as he went on eating. "Damn this is good ice cream."

"Really good ice cream," Detective Dietrich agreed. "Hey have you ever looked at your hands? I mean **really looked** at your hands?"

"Did we go to Charlie Sheen's place again?" Detective Harris asked. "Because it feels like we did."

"Probably…" Detective Dietrich shrugged. "For some reason I can't remember. Hey any more of those weird dot ice cream things?"

"Yeah the Forget Me Now Dots?" Detective Harris gave him some. "Have 'em. I wonder why they're called that?"

"Why what is called what?" Detective Dietrich's pupils were big as he ate some. "Say…Where did we get this ice cream again?"

"Uhh…" Detective Harris was drawing a blank.


End file.
